******

Talk about pain and suffering, a kick in the nuts is like sex in a bottle, and it is uncomfortable. However, it does keep one’s mind on things. Sex alone is just releasing energy however, from a gathering of losers, Barney was able to appraise things the way they were. Who knows, this could have been a ‘Star is Born’ moment.

******

It all began walking into a Bronx Restaurant called Sadie’s Kitchen, for morning breakfast, with two close Jewish friends getting emotional over a repeated conversation.

“Hold on Josh, I am talking here,” said Barney Gilinsky, a retired set designer, and store owner, from Brooklyn.

Barney, one of a kind, dabbled in anything that turned a profit, including a men’s clothing store, but it was the theatre, where he was the most happy. Folks called him, “Little Cohan,” giving his regards to Broadway. It was only pretend however, since Barney had no experience for Broadway. Still, he was a dreamer and there is nothing wrong with dreaming.

Barney continued talking fast to make a point. “I’m telling you about the fund raising event for a new roof on the gay community Center, in the Bronx. It is a plan to raise money.”

“So give a donation, why tell me.” replied Josh Silverman. “I don’t want to hear it!”

“I am trying to tell you something, please for a minute, “Quiet in the front row,” you are worse than my wife, at “Bergdorf Goodman” summer sale,” said Barney. “Put a donut in your mouth, give a listen, I am trying to explain….”

Josh, younger than Barney, work in the theater district, going from one job to the next. He was not influential by working on Broadway; he was a “nobody” when it came to acting. He simply did his “moment to moment job,” securing a few benefits here and there.

The benefits included watching auditions and scores of various rehearsals. He especially loved the dress rehearsals; they were the real thing. Josh maneuvered more freebies by being naked on the director’s couch, he was that good, and so he stayed around for fun and games. He didn’t fuck just for the thrill. Josh wanted something in return, and he got it. He was part of the New York theatre crowd rubbing elbows with importin people and Broadway stars. It wasn’t a huge deal but plenty big enough for him. “Now, he thought, I am somebody…”

Josh analyzed directors and often said, he could do that job and better. You guessed it; he thought he knew it all; and smart – oy, was Josh clever, with a non-stop crotch, and willing to be a top or a bottom. What he knew best, was how to be a slut.

******

Josh was not paying attention to Barney, so he talked louder and faster. Now, Josh was ready to listen.

“Okay – okay, my ears will cling to your every word. You know I love you Barney, TALK!”

“Love! – getting your nuts sucked, is what you love. Okay, I’m talking.”

The Center is presenting three different gay skits, nothing dramatic. I am going to direct one of the skits. How about that?” beamed Barney. Now, dear friend began Barney…...”

“Cut the “Dear friend” crap, how come you were asked to direct a play?

“It’s not an actual play, only a gay skit; alright call it a play, who cares! I’m gay, why not me?” Barney beamed as if he was talking about ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ It wasn’t Broadway, but it was theatre in the Bronx, and it excited Barney being a part of it.

“This sounds painful, so what are you up to, you old conniver?” asked Josh. “There has to be a catch, no doubt some hot dude you’re after with lies about being a Broadway producer.”

“Who me, don’t be absurd, there is no catch! That’s all I’m saying. Auditions are tomorrow, with gay men, most likely screaming faggots, who better to evaluate a faggot than “moi” a mature man about town.” Chuckled Barney, who was a cocksucker, married with a wife named Sara. Go figure.

“Tomorrow, at the auditions, I thought that we can be co-directors selecting the best gay person for the lead role,” continued Barney, stirring his coffee.

“Oh good grief,” mumbled Josh. “What is it about and who wrote this thing?

“I don’t know, the skits were written by gays on the internet. A diva committee selected three skits, getting permission from the authors to use them for a fundraising event.

“Well, isn’t that delightful,” mumbled Josh, believing the conversation was ridiculous, but the idea for a fundraiser, sounded good.

“Stop being so Barbara, this is serious stuff.” Barney demanded.

“Of course it is, okay, tell me more,” Josh carefully admitted.

“That I will do. The skits are called, “THE CHA-CHA QUEEN,” it is campy. Another entitled, “GOOD MEN USUALLY DO,” it is a sexy comedy, and the third is called, “GIVE IT A TRY,” slightly on the dark side.” explained Barney. “They are written for a gay audience, tinted with campy sex, but nothing obscene. It should be fun,” he added.

“How meshuggeneh!” mumbled Josh, biting into a bagel. If the men are hot looking, then it will be fun. Otherwise, it’s still meshuggeneh.

“They will be amazing, not meshuggeneh, so much you know about talent.” hah Barney scuffed. So what do you think?” he asked his old friend. “You are able to think, aren’t you?”

“Barney, Barney, Barney, I have thoughts that you would never want to hear, it’s complicated; okay Yeah – yeah, I’ll be there tomorrow – what time?”

“Tomorrow at 9:00 am. It’s volunteer, (no cash) however, I can guarantee you a blowjob, from an ‘Alta cocker,’ (Yiddish for old man.) How does that make your adorable crotch feel? Barney asked, plunging his fork into some scrambled egg.

“A bit verklempt, I’ll be there, I like the idea of directing something for the public. I will get equal time selecting a cast of characters, is that correct?” Josh confirmed.”

“Sweetie, from me, you will get more than equal time,” mumbled Barney wiping butter from his chin with a napkin.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” smiled Josh twitching his upper lip.

“Gaud, you’re so gay, do you want to…..

“No”

“Okay”

******

The following morning, there were several people in different rooms reading for various skits. Barney had half dozen men reading for, “GIVE IT A TRY.” It wasn’t a huge turnout of people, but an interesting one. He explained about the lead character, called, ‘Russel.’

He (Russel) wasn’t a typical gay man once you got to know him, he was psychotic. The character had to be played that way without looking like a crazy person. Improvising was okay here and there, to make it look real.

“This could be the perfect chance for an outrageous diva to have a moment in the spotlight. Just temporarily, mind you, but what an opportunity to be discovered. Who knows, somebody, could be the next Lana Turner but with sirloin between their thighs, instead of tits on a school girl’s chest,” said Barney addressing the few gay folks who showed up to read.

He assumed some had never heard of Lana Turner, and he was right about that. He gave up on the jokes, being a comic was more difficult than milking a cow.

“Josh, will explain the scenario, concerning Russell.” Barney announced.

“It is your turn,” Barney mumbled to Josh. He took a seat and just stared at crotches. He liked evaluating men from one to ten; sad to admit, the best he could come up with was barely a three.

“Okay, listen up! - Russell is a gay young man, explained Josh, who applies as a housekeeper, for an elderly widow named, Mrs. Gilbert. - Russell comes across as charming and capable but psychotic, thus changing his personality at any given moment. After working inside the house for an hour, Mrs. Gilbert discovers this flaw about him, and screams for him to “get out – get out – leave!” Russell replies – “Mrs. Gilbert, I’m not going anywhere!”

Now - show us how you would say that line. Barney announced sounding official. The line is, - “Mrs. Gilbert, I’m not going anywhere!”

Josh whispered to Barney, “I think we have a bunch of looser here. It’s a good thing this shindig, is for charity.”

“I know,” Barney replied, always loaded with chutzpah- “let’s see what happens. If nothing else, perhaps we can get some ‘junk to munch’ with a few fake promises. You have connections on Broadway that you can lie about!” he continued, winking at Josh.

“Oy Vey, what you won’t do, to get somebody to drop their pants. Okay, let’s see who is workable in this collection of faggots,” concluded Josh.

******

“Your name,” Barney asked – “read the line!”

“I’m Joey Dee and I am______ (pause)”

“Read the line,” yelled Josh, we don’t need family history, just your voice. Read the line.”

“I ain’t leaving, Mr.’ Gillen,” read Joey. (Gaud, it was all wrong, it’s not Mr. Gillen, and where did the word, ‘ain’t’ come from?)

“I can read more,” Joey stated.

“I only want to hear your delivery on this particular line for now,” replied Josh.

“That’s what I’m sayin.”

“Joey – sit down,” Josh commanded. Sorry young man, but you’re an idiot.”

******

“NEXT,” shouted Josh giving a pathetic glance to Barney.

“I’m Jamal – Yo mama, I ain’t crackin no place.” (Yuck –good grief, getting worse)

“Whadda u think?” Jamal asked.

“I think you failed high school English,” commented Barney.

“Okay, I’m sitting, I know the routine,” replied Jamal sitting next to Joey. They looked like a couple of bookends. Decent young men, but didn’t belong anywhere near a stage.

“NEXT.”

“I’m Rodrick – I’m not going no place Mrs. Gilbert, don’t lose your panties.”

“HOLD IT – HOLD IT, where do you see the word panties?” screamed Josh, and the line is “Anywhere,” not “No place.”

“I’m improvising, it sounds better and panties will get a laugh, it’s really gay,” said Rodrick, a no talented street hustler. “You said to improvise, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“Oh good Lord, Russel is not supposed to be a funny character, it is dark dialogue.” Interjected Barney becoming annoyed with the whole bunch.

“NEXT.”

“I’m Jeff – Don’t you worry, Mrs. Gilbert, Jeffrey’s  going nowhere."

“Don’t call me, I doubt we’ll be calling you,” Barney expressed about ready to throw in the towel. This just wasn’t working. It is so simple, how can it be hard?

“They tried, but too dumb to read, they sure as hell can’t act. None of them are sexy, and that street hustler Rodrick, should pay me just to talk to him. Such a mess, these gay dudes are,” said Barney. “What the fuck, gay men are supposed to be creative and talented.

“They do get a mark for being consistent,” replied Josh. “Everybody is terrible at this.”

“That schlemiel, called Rodrick, thinks he is an actor wanting to change a simple line and calling it improvising. Dumb ass doesn’t even know what the word means,” added Josh. “This is a tough business.”

“You can say that again. He thinks his mouth is magic; through his ears he should be breathing,” snarled Barney, looking at the last person standing ready to give reading a try. “Yee god, everybody is a star. Go ahead, do your thing!”

He was mature in his late twenties, maybe thirty and looked sexy. He was gay but, not outlandish gay. He spoke well and the most polite person so far. He wore dark beige pants with a white shirt open at the neck. Tucks of chest hair was visible, the more you looked, the better he became. He went from okay, to sexy, to hot, in a very short time.

“Hey Josh, give a look, this dandy is not bad. He has the ‘look,’ now if he can speak intelligently, things may improve here today. Great ass which leads me to wonder about the front.”

“I’m sure you will check it out, nosh gobbler.” Josh added still annoyed with people having no ability, to be anywhere near a stage.

“Let’s get on with it – what is your name young man?” asked Barney.

“I’m Jack – I know you don’t want family history, but quickly, I am a Bronx Jew and if that is negative, say so. I understand no background, I’m just a gay dude.

“Are you a slut,” asked Barney.

“Only when I’m asked to be,” Jack replied. He continued to talk mostly nonsense, but smiling all the time.

Both Barney and Josh set back with their arm folded letting him ramble on.

“Are you finished now talking, Miss Tel Aviv,” Barney finally said to him. Don’t show off, you’re cute honey, but don’t push it.”

“Yeah, I’m finished, I said too much, huh?”

“Yeah you talk too much – just read the line as it is written. Don’t add anything and don’t change it,” insisted Barney.

“I understand,” remarked Jack.

“I think you are cool Jack, yes indeed, I just wanted to say that,” Josh interrupted.

“I think you are cool too. Does that mean we get to hang out?” Jack asked.

“No, I am being friendly,” replied Josh. “Keep that in mind.” he added.

“I will,” Jack responded holding the skit in his hand.

“Just read the line,” interjected Barney. “I have to get this settled by tomorrow, please, read the damn line!”

“Sorry, okay, here goes,” replied Jack, glancing at the sentence, and clearing his throat.

“I’m not going (pause) ANYWHERE!” Jack read stressing the word, “NOT,” sounding rather psychotic, but remaining calm and mysterious.

“Whew, said Josh, simple but good.”

“I know,” Barney replied. “That shows some promise, it’s good.”

They spent the next hour reading the entire skit together seeing how Jack handled the character of Russell. He nailed it, as he read he became Russell, getting the lead part in ‘GIVE IT A TRY.’

As it turned out, their skit was the best of the three that day. Jack played Russel, the psychotic, several times bringing in a handsome amount of money for the community Center.

******

During the following month, all three, Josh, Barney, and Jack, became friends, going places and respecting life. Josh and Jack were closer in age than Barney, the senior married man, rather sarcastic, yet excellent at sucking cock. Barney was really a sweetheart, you just had to know him.

Swallowing flesh gave Barney plenty to brag about. In their own way they each had something the other wanted. For example, Josh loved a good cocksucker between his legs begging to be nasty. He had Barney for doing that. Barney was a greedy schmuck, but oh what a pearl when those lips went around Josh’s nuts.

The jury is still out, as to whether or not, Josh got his first rate dick, inside Jack’s butt. Josh was loaded with chutzpah, and always on top being sexy as sin. The way Josh loved to fuck, there is no way he wasn’t deep inside Jack. He used Jack the way older men used him. There was something for everybody.

Barney liked being sandwiched between them with Jack draining Barney from the front, and Josh filling him from the back. Barney loved this and wanted encore after encore. He called them his “hole” mates.

They were not three confused Jews from “Flatbush, NO, not at all. They were wannabe actors - Josh, the mature butt fucker, plus charming Jack horny when naked, and of course, Barney. What the hell, it worked.

When the musical production, “The Music Man” hit Broadway, Jack watched the daily rehearsals from the second row. How Josh arranged to get him into the closed theater, as a spectator, is a mystery. A mystery that one can figure out in two minutes.

The choreographer discovered Jack could swallow cock like an alligator and fuck like a mink. He made himself available whenever a producer or manager wanted a handsome body with movable parts, for dessert. Waking up with Jack was waking up with Gilda.

Several months later, Jack was dancing, third in line, on stage. That was a surprise of the century, who would have guessed he could dance, and do it so well. Jack had made friends with the choreographer and they would sleep together. However, he found time for Josh and Barney, they too were friends, and the sex was still the best.

“I like Jack,” Josh remarked one day having lunch with Barney. “He told me his dream was to work on Broadway. Can you imagine finding him among a bunch of losers at a charity gig for a roof repair, of all things?”

“Yo mama, ha ha-ha, who knew,” Barney commented, remembering that character, Jamal. “Give it a try, this is the Bronx. These queers all fool around. “Pass the salt!”

“You don’t need salt, watch your pressure.”

“Oy vey, we schlepped all the way over here from the theater and you want to deny me a little salt?”

“No salt! Exclaimed Josh. You want to be dropping in the street!”

“Okay, you win,” Barney, stated. “Do you want to go someplace for a little fooling around,” he continued. “For that, I don’t need salt.”

“Your meshuggeneh horny as sin, but why not.” Josh agreed. ”I have something you can wrap your lips around.”

“I have an idea,” said Barney. “Let’s give Jack a call!”

“I have a better idea, – Let’s not, I’m not in the mood for him today!”

“You must think I am a yutz,” Barney added. “You use him for a toy, and when I want a little something, suddenly you’re not in the mood for Jack. Such chutzpah, you have. I don’t understand how you think!”

“I don’t think; I stay out of trouble that way. Try it sometime; it may be a new experience.”

“That is so dumb. You know Jack is a very sweet person and hot,” said Barney. “You know that,” don’t you?

“We are not calling…”

“I know – I know, pay the damn bill, it’s your turn,” Barney mumbled.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Josh, pulling some greenbacks from his wallet. He paid the bill leaving a generous tip.

“Yeah – yeah, Mazel Tov,” grinned Barney, swallowing his last bit of coffee. A director’s work is never done. I can do both of you, it’s not a problem for me.”

“Not today,” replied Josh.

“Oy vey, you’re such a hard head,” Barney complained.

“Maybe so, but I am a hell of a lot of fun at a party,” Josh bubbled, putting his arm around his old friend and hailing a cab. “Your place or mine?” He asked.

“Just get your ass in the cab, I’ll do the talking,” Barney mumbled knowing he was going home with Josh, back where he belonged.

******